Me stepping away from everyone, really, has to do with being a bit tired of explaining over and over again why he shouldn't be touched, held, hugged, fed, ETC. ETC by anyone except for me. I feel really mean and like a broken record having to continue to repeat it. I know it doesn't make sense. Why can't you hold this amazingly adorable bundle of energy! I mean he seems to want your attention, right?!?! It doesn't feel natural to not dote on him and give him all kinds of love. I get it. Adoption is not natural though. It was not in God's plan. It is part of His redemptive plan. It is necessary. There are children without mommies and daddies. Children need them. So, God created adoption. It is a wonderful, painful, confusing, overwhelming, beautiful plan He created. But it is not natural.
Our days have been everything but easy, but like the above they have been wonderful, painful, confusing, overwhelming and beautiful. From minute to minute things change. One minute we have smiles and hugs, the next tears and anger. I know you may be thinking this is typical of any 3 year old and that may be true, but this is so much more complex. He has been through so much in his 3 years of life. Two weeks ago he did not have the 24/7 attention of ONE person. He loves it and he also resists it. He tests. His mind is filled with so many conflicting emotions. Although he NEEDS a family and he has one, he also desperately misses and wholeheartedly loved each and every one of the children and adults at GLA who have been his life and "family" for the past 2 1/2 years. He also spent 9 months within his mother and 6 months with his mother and father. Does he remember that? No. But it is a apart of who he is forever. I will never know what those 15 months were like and what long term effects they will have on him.
I know now that he needs ME and only me. We have a short time together. 6 weeks. Less than one month left before I will entrust him to the care of a school where he will learn and thrive and grow with other children and teachers for 8 hours a day. Even thinking of this breaks my heart. God knew when He called me to this that I was single, that I would have 6 weeks to be with him and then he would need care out of the home. I trust HIM that he will be ok. I have chosen a place for him where I know he will truly thrive. I do not look forward to the day that I will leave him there though!!!! I was careful to choose a place where I could tell they were not the touchy/feely, hold kids on laps and snuggle kind of center. He will not need that from them even 6 weeks from now. At that point he can begin to get some extra snuggles from his grandma and grandpa and some other family members. His teacher at school will be there to help him grow in other ways.
Our 2nd week home has been harder than the first. He is not sleeping or eating as well. This mommy is on her knees for her little boy. Tonight as I rocked him to sleep this song came to me, "Hold me Jesus" by Rich Mullins (a special friend that went to be with Jesus too soon). I feel so unworthy of being his mom at times. I know with all my heart God called me to this and He will equip me. I just don't feel worthy! I need HIM all day every day! I know this is something HE wrote in HIS book for me to do! I know he intends for a second child to join my little guy too. HE IS IN CONTROL! He is writing this story! It is an amazing one. I am humbled to be a part of it. It brings me to tears that HE chose me to hold this little boy, to tuck him into bed, and to hear him call me mommy. I am GRATEFUL! I am truly NOT WORRYING about tomorrow! Tomorrow has enough worries of its own! I put and have been putting the adoption of Mack's sibling into HIS hands since before I knew I would be Mack's mommy! HE IS IN CONTROL! He is the author of this story! (link below is to HOLD ME JESUS, by Rich Mullins)
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I have not shared pictures on FB the last few days since I have not been on so I will share them here. Please continue to pray for us. We are doing ok. We are SO blessed! I thank Jesus EVERY minute of the day....in the enjoyable and more challenging moments! All praise to you LORD!
Likes the big boy swings at the park by our house.
Ready for next week!
Loves our walks and doesn't seem to mind the weather :-)
First pumpkin carving.
Getting a special gift made of his hand print!
One of his buddies from GLA that lives super close :-)