He's coming home! Now what???

Attachment, bonding, cocooning, eye-contact, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, indiscriminate affection, neurological pathways…All of these things and many more have been filling my thoughts and conversations for these last couple of years as I have been preparing for Mr. M to come home. Countless hours talking to other adoptive parents who have already been where I am going, online classes emphasizing the concepts and stacks of books explaining what to expect and how to cope.
As I anxiously await to bring him home, I am about to enter the stage where I put all of my preparation into action.  This is when the real work starts. I understand that my family and friends have not been reading piles of adoption books, so I want to give you a glimpse into the next steps and my plan for his first weeks and months in my family.

When I bring him home, his whole world will be changing. He has learned to love and trust the nannies who have been caring for him.  For the last 2 1/2 years he has been in the same room every day. My home will smell different, sound different, the food will taste different and there will be so much to see, including two cats! The differences will be overwhelming for him. He needs to settle into a new normal, to learn that this place is his safe place, his home and that I am his mom.

The first part of his healing will be a process that people in the adoption world call cocooning. We are going to huddle in as our small family unit and begin to form attachments to each other. This means spending lots of time at home. For the first 6 weeks that we are home, he will go to the doctor and we may visit a park and maybe grandma and grandpa’s, but visitors and other outings will be very, very limited. I will do the best I can to keep his environment calm, stable and comforting.

I will be his ONLY caregiver. I will hold him, feed him, change him, bathe him and comfort him. As these small acts are repeated, he will learn to trust me and will learn what a family is. We are starting from the very beginning. Many of my actions will be similar to how you would care for a newborn. I will be doing a lot of baby-wearing. Keeping him close to me, so he can learn my smell, my voice and hear my heartbeat which will bring him comfort and help form attachment. It is vital that he learns to create a bond with me so that he will be able to form bonds with other members of my family in the future. Bonding deeply with your parents at a young age creates neural pathways in your brain that allow you to develop healthy relationships in other areas of your life (friends, spouses and children). 

When he cries, I will go to him IMMEDIATELY. He is learning who I am and who will care for him. When he needs attention, it is very important for it to be given to him immediately to create trust. I will hold him in the beginning and let him drink from his sippy cup which you may not see most parents do with a 3 year old but we will use this special time to encourage eye contact, nurturing and bonding.  Anything that would take me away from him and is not necessary will not happen during this time.

I realize that some of this may sound strange to you. Over-protective and secluding. Please, please know that it is my dream to see my son enjoying the company of my family and friends. I am making these choices at the advice of experts and those who have gone before me. My priority has to be the total health of my son. It will be a happy, but difficult time for us. I’m sure I will get a bit stir crazy, but I believe that this investment of time into my son will make a difference in his future. 

What can you do? Support me. Encourage me through calls and emails. Pray for us. Bring meals. Wait to visit with my amazing kiddo until after we have had time to attach as a family. When you do meet him, it is important to set physical boundaries. If adults limit what is usually considered normal, physical contact, it will help us to continue to bond with even when we are in public. For a while, I ask that you do not ask to hold him and refrain from excessive hugging and kissing. Because of his past situations, children from orphanages are vulnerable to attach too easily to anyone. Attaching to anyone other than me, will affect his relationship with me. Attachment is a process and it will be an ongoing on for many years.

This is my last Sunday with no child at home!  We have 5 more “sleeps” each until we are together! Please keep praying for us during this important and special time. Adoption is redemption, restoration, healing. It is work. It is parenting on the front lines of children who come from hard places. Thank you all for you support and love!

I borrowed and adapted this entry from this blog:  http://www.pureandlasting.com/ with permission!  :-)